To: (See all)
From: Morgan Phillips
Subject: Re: tapeworm-themed surprise party
Hey guys! So sorry I missed the party preparations, but I’m looking around now and it seems like the rest of you didn’t have any problems with it.
…I can’t help but notice you all decided to go with the “tapeworm” theme.
I’m pretty sure I was adamantly against the tapeworm theme, but I guess that doesn’t matter now. I just thought I’d check out the house before the party and make sure everything looks good. Maybe sample some of the cake – sorry 🙂
So, uh, I’ll go ahead and list the issues I see as I walk around.
-No one being allowed to wash their hands during the party
Okay, the first thing that jumps out at me is that you apparently made a “no hand washing” rule. At least, I’m guessing this was the rule you were going for when you put signs over the sinks and threw out all the hand soap.
It seems a little extreme? I get that people are supposed to have fun and not worry too much about hygiene, but I feel like it’d be okay if someone wanted to wash their hands during the party. We don’t necessarily need to have a rule against it, and we don’t necessarily need to throw out every container of soap in the house.
-Most of the food being undercooked meat
When the tapeworm theme first came up, I assumed we’d be putting out gummy worms as snacks or something. I’m not seeing any gummy worms on the dining room table, but I’m definitely seeing a lot of undercooked meat – although, honestly, “undercooked” might be putting it generously. I think this meat is just raw.
Is anyone here open to the idea of cooking the meat a little? Keep in mind, this might be the only food anyone’s gonna be eating. Not to be disrespectful, but the cake tastes a little “off” in my opinion – sorry 😦
I also notice no one put out any utensils, so I’m guessing we’re all supposed to dig into it with our unwashed hands.
-All of the games involving deliberately infecting people with parasitic worms
I’m so glad you guys already planned out games for this party, by the way! Gotta have activities to keep the fun going. I just think it’s a little weird that every single game idea involves parasitic worms in some way. I mean, here’s a random sample of the things written on our game whiteboard:
- Tapeworm Tag
- Hide and Worms
- Mafia (losers get infected with worms)
- Mafia (winners get infected with worms)
- Monopoly, but everyone is infected with parasitic worms
- I REALLY WANT TO INFECT PEOPLE WITH PARASITIC WORMS RIGHT NOW
That last one isn’t even a game idea. Someone just scrawled that on the board for seemingly no reason.
Is it me, or is this too many worms? I know there’s a theme and all, but what if we had a few games that didn’t involve worms?
Think about it. Let me know. I can get the monopoly board set up, and maybe we could play monopoly without anyone being infected with parasitic worms.
-The tapeworm theme in general
I know I asked this in a previous email, but I’m going to ask it again here.
Why does this party HAVE to be tapeworm-themed?
It’s just, there are so many other less disgusting themes. We could have a plant-themed surprise party. Or a dog-themed surprise party. Maybe something sci-fi. Fantasy. Post-apocalyptic. Halloween. Arts and crafts. Movies. Basketball. Video games. National Waffle Day. Mountains. Sweatshirts. Newspapers. Office supplies. Peanut butter. Non-parasitic worms.
Seriously, we have options here.
-Contaminating the cake with pig feces
This party is gonna suck.